The obvious best way to grow taller is to simply experience puberty. After all, puberty is the period of time in our lives when we all grow in height (among other things). So, how do you grow taller? That’s easy… sit back, relax and let puberty do its thing.
There’s just one tiny problem with this. The people who ask me this question are ALWAYS people who have already gone through puberty.
Well, here now are the only 3 scientifically proven methods for making it happen…
1. The Zoltar Method
- First, find a Zoltar machine. (Pictured below.)
- Second, unplug the machine. This part is crucial.
- Third, put in the required amount of money and make a wish to be taller. Or, more specifically, make a wish to be “big.”
- Last but not least, go home and go to sleep. When you wake up the next morning, it will have already worked. Enjoy your new awesome height!
2. The Time Machine Method
Find a time machine (or build your own… whichever you prefer). Then, go back and prevent your parents from ever meeting, thus preventing your own birth. Then, locate two better, significantly taller people who are going to be much more likely to pass on better, taller genetics to their children… and then convince them to get together and be your parents.
Wait A Second…
What’s that you say?
Basically… You’re Fucked.
but you CAN’T increase your height after puberty.
But… But… I Heard That I Can Grow Taller!!!!
The ability to grow taller after you’re genetically done growing is not possible
Have You Seriously Seen This Stuff, Though?
Just for entertainment purposes, I took some time to look into the wonderful world of “growing taller” just to see some of the “proven” techniques that were being recommended by “experts” in the “field.”
- Eat a proper diet.
- Drink plenty of water.
- Get lots of sleep.
Those “tips” seem to be the most common ones.
BUT WAIT… THERE’S MORE!!
In addition to the three useless “secret” tips I just mentioned, there are three others I kept seeing show up over and over again.
One is my personal favorite of them all: hang vertically from a bar.
As in, grab a pull-up bar and just hang there in that dead-hang position.
Because apparently stretching your lats is supposed to make you taller?
Fuck if I know.
This stuff reads like the recommendations you’d get if you went up to a 3 year old and asked them how to grow taller. “Hang from a bar!”
And last but not least, we have postural improvements. You know… doing stuff that can improve your posture (e.g. improving anterior pelvic tilt, internally rotated shoulders, etc.).
While this is a lovely idea for many reasons, and yes, it can and will certainly help you stand up straighter and simply BE the height that you already are… it’s not actually making you grow any taller. That would be like sitting, then standing, and then acting as if you grew. You didn’t.
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